ER

heart.

so, i went to the ER on sunday because i felt like it was really hard to breathe and my hands and feet were going all pins and needles.

jon and i went to the ballet, and, like, right as it started, i felt like i really needed to leave. it was so cramped. like our entire row was full (which is unusual considering the last few times we went there were a few seats on the end that were empty). and it smelled like old people (like diaper-wearing old people and massive amounts of perfume). i thought i was going to die. my stomach and chest hurt so much--like they felt cramped and bruised. i could feel my heart racing and i couldn't calm it down. i felt like i was sweating and dizzy. i was so thirsty. the damn thing WOULD NOT END. AND the ballet we thought we were seeing was switched or something. i made jon flee during intermission. i thought it had to be food poisoning or a bad reaction to some delsym (cough medicine that i might be spelling wrong) and the inhaler (albuterol--which i also might be spelling wrong) since we just had lunch. the thing is that jon ate the same thing and had the same medicines except for the inhaler, so i don't know.


lungs.

so we left during intermission, and in the car i still felt like it was hard to breathe. my chest felt really tight, and i couldn't relax. about some point in the lincoln tunnel i could feel my hands going numb (pins and needles) and jon called my house and got wee who called my mom (who was at a baby shower in brooklyn). by the time my mom called us back, we were still in the tunnel and my feet felt tingly too. (my dad would normally be home, but this week he's in california visiting friends.)

anyway, we get to palisades ER, and some comical stuff happens: the ER entrance that is actually clearly labeled is for ambulances only--to walk into the ER you have to walk around the building's back side. note that there's no walk way leading you from the side to the back, so if you wanted to walk on the sidewalk you'd have to walk even further--but at least they had wood chips and not bushes against the building to run over. jon helps me check in and then some kid who might be a life guard (and looks fine, but maybe had a fever or something) starts asking me what's wrong. at this point, i'm sitting and shaking my hands and breathing moderately but hard--i look kind of freakish, but i swear everyone else in the ER looks absolutely fine--like if i were them i'd go to work fine...and i'm like, kid, are you kidding me? so i tell him that i'm having a hard time breathing. and he's like, you should try to breathe more slowly. seriously. he's like 15, and i fucking KNOW i need to try to breathe more slowly, but it's really hard when it's hard to freakin breathe and have pins and needles in your hands and feet!


hands.

eventually my feet feel better, but i keep on shaking my hands. i think it's all of 10-15 minutes but a nurse (who looks so bored out of her mind and definitely needs to brush up on her social skills because she was kind of a bitch overall) took my blood pressure, temperature, and pulse, i guess (they put a metal thing on my finger).

i guess because in the car i took off my rings (i didn't want to lose them by shaking them off or misplacing them while in the ER), it was hard for them to identify jon as my husband, so they kept looking at him kind of funny when they asked when the last time i got my period was and if i can disrobe to get an ekg done.

anyway, got a urine and x-ray done too. (the nurse that helped me get to the x-ray room and do ekg was so, so nice.) at some point the admin lady--very efficiently took my insurance/employment information.

anyway, everything turned out normal. and i don't have bronchitis. the ER doctor was kind of lame as far as answering my questions. he really wanted more information about what i told the nurse about a heart flutter--which i was told and got checked out like 4 years ago, and all i know is that i'm fine. after about 3 minutes he seemed a bit impatient and all i got was that i'm fine, and if i feel nauseous, I either will or won't throw up, and that for sedation I should take benadryl--and I was like, what? to make me sleep? and he's like a lot of the antianxiety meds have blah blah, which is also in benadryl, and i guess the drowsy side effect too. i really wish my mom or wee were in there with me. anyway, i was fine when i left and through the night.



brain.

i still feel like i get panic attacks though--or somewhat severe waves of discomfort in my chest and stomach, heart racing, and blood draining from my head, which causes it to feel like a lot of pressure, and super dry mouth. i feel that having a bottle of water helps and having a distraction helps, but anticipating that i could feel like that again at any moment kind of pisses me off.

on monday i tried taking benadryl, and i just got really, really tired. i even took a nap during lunch. but i still thought that the bus ride in would kill me. and then in my office i felt really sick and couldn't really function for about an hour--just moved papers around slowly and then took my time with the rest of my work. yesterday i had a lot of work to do so i slept for about four hours and didn't take the benadryl. i felt fine until i was about done with my project (a horrible book i was proofreading). jon and i ate out, but it was so loud and cramped, it was exhausting trying to stay calm. and this morning's bus ride kind of freaked me out again--but i tried keeping myself superdistracted. i don't know what's wrong with me. i hate it. right now, i'm fine. i just want to stay fine!

so far, work today is okay though. i found that if i talk a lot, i cough a lot. so i'm trying to talk less than normal. i'm going to my family's primary care doctor (who's a pulmonary specialist too) tomorrow, so i'm hoping he can fix me.

i'm hoping mostly that this is just the end of being 26 and not the beginning of being 27.