Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Best Toast: "I hope you don't have any issues."

My family doesn't really drink.
We buy liquor for our guests when we have them over
for a special occasion,
but that's about it.

Around Christmas they sometimes get booze from customers/coworkers.
This one time when I was twelve,
I thought my dad's plastic circus cup
had cranberry juice in it,
so I took a big gulp,
but it was red wine.
So I spat it all over the floor.

So when Wee and Chris got engaged,
we were all at a loss of sparkling beverages.

We found a bottle of this over twenty-year-old blueberry champagne
from my dad's cousin's wedding.
That wedding was on LBI,
and we all have weird memories about how we got there
and what we wore.
I swear Wee and I wore our matching acid-wash denim outfits
that either our aunt or dad's cousin got for us.
My skirt had a few ruffles.
We looked cool.

That bottle's cork didn't pop.
It smelled like vinegar.
So he poured it down the drain.

He and my mom tried a Korbel gift too,
which promptly went down the drain.

We opened a bottle of Martinelli's,
which was fresh,
though I felt it tasted a little off.
And to top everyone off,
a bottle of Trader Joe's sparkling grape juice.

My mom's toast can be easily summed up in the most ineloquent part of it:
"I hope you don't have any issues."

It was funny, practical, and well meaning.
She has to work on some synonyms though.

She swears that she gets buzz from sparkling juices,
but we think that the bubbles just go to her head.

Jon found this speech hilarious--see above.
And he toasted my dad for his birthday with:
"I hope you don't have any issues."


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